practice

This current project is going to take knowledge that I don't have yet, and I don't have the emotional well-being to fight through this to the end. Not right now at least.

Grief is a marathon, and I keep thinking that "I'm fine", but the truth is I'm not. I'm not full out depressed, but any obstacle I encounter in the art-making process becomes demoralizing and instantly lose the "umph" to keep working on the project. Losing "umph" is bound to happen in art-making - obstacles are inevitable - but I'm just not emotionally capable of mustering the "umph" to overcome these things. It's really hard to admit this to myself, but it's true.

Ugh. It's frustrating, because I feel schizophrenic. I keep looking for an art project to restart my practice, but nothing quite works. And so, I bounce around from idea to idea, starting and restarting projects, but metaphorically I'm spinning my wheels and getting no where.

So, what am I going to do? I'm going to keep making, but I'm going to change my approach. I've been working in a very project oriented manner, which means I'm focused on the short term: develop project, make project, show project, repeat ad infinitum. This is how I made work in school, because that's how the work needed to be done. But that approach is not an art practice. An art practice is about the long run. It's about practice. It's about learning, repeating, and refining. How did I not make that connection before!? "Practice" is in the freaking term "art practice"!!! Approaching art as a series of projects doesn't give you time to refine and learn the nuances of your media. So, I'm going to use the skills that I already have and refine them. I'm NOT going to think about showing the work. I'm NOT giving myself deadlines. I'm going to practice.